It's An Adventure

by
Michelle

15 Spike, or the Shiny Headed Santa Clause

"Well, yes. I'm pleased that everyone is safe and sound, but did you obtain it?" Wesley asked.

"What?" Spike asked, squeezing Xander's ass and sucking at his neck.

Wesley bent to tuck a hunting knife into his boot. "What you two came for."

"Angel didn't get anything." Spike snickered. He pulled away from Xander and went to his pile of goodies. "Me? I got all kinds of good stuff. The slayer-saving-bowl among them." He looked through his pile. "Hey! Where's me bowl?"

Angel gave a low laugh, holding up the coat-covered bowl. "I have it. And I wouldn't say I didn't get anything, boy. I got your a-"

"Marvelous! You have the bowl." Spike said, cutting Angel off. The pouf. The nonce. The effin fuck-n-tell bastard. Spike began rummaging through his pile again, throwing items about with unnecessary force. If Angel mentioned the screwing he'd just deny it. Xander wouldn't believe Angel. Spike laughed a little beneath his breath. He'd just tell Xander Angel was trying to make him jealous. He looked over at Xander and smiled. Xander smiled at him in return. Oh, yeah. He was fine.

"Good. Can we get out of here now? I don't wa-Ooo, what's that, Spike?" Cordelia asked, her eyes on a velvet pouch Spike had picked up.

"This?" Spike grinned at her, swinging the small bag from his hand. "This is a sack-full-o-diamonds."

Cordelia's eye's widened and she stepped closer. "Can I see?"

"Sure, pet." Spike grinned and opened the pouch onto his open hand. Sparkles fell out. Lots and lots of them.

Cordy gasped out loud and stepped even closer. She kept her eyes on Spike's diamond filled hand. "Can I have some? Please?" She asked, seemingly entranced by the diamonds.

In fact, everyone had moved in closer to Spike and his handful of sparkles.

"Sure, pet." He held out his hand towards her.

Cordelia reached out. . .

. . .And Spike closed his hand and snatched it away. "Nope." Spike laughed. "I'm just fucking with you, pet. I'm not gonna share diamonds. Are you daft?"

Cordelia's head shot up. She was abruptly snapped from her diamond-induced-trance. "You jerk!"

"When did you win those?" Angel demanded.

"When you were napping, peaches. I won all kinds of goodies." He pulled a cigar box from the pile and opened it, holding it out to Cordy. "Cigar, pet? It's the good stuff. Cuban."

"No thank you. I would, however, like a diamond. She stamped her foot. "Or more."

"I'll take one of those." Danielle spoke.

"I wouldn't mind one, either." Wesley said, stepping to Spike.

Spike passed out cigars. Even Angel took one. Danielle pulled her Zippo out and lit the smokers up.

"What else, besides diamonds, tires and my shoes, did you win?" Angel asked, puffing.

"Lost yer shoes, Sire." He pulled a pair of bright red Converse high tops, circa 1980, from his pile and tossed them at Angel. "Here, put these on."

Angel looked at the shoes with disdain and then at the floor.

He put on the too big sneakers.

"Got this." Spike was on his knees rummaging. "My Wat-the slayer's Watcher will like this." He held up a leather-bound book and set it aside. "Oh, and this." Another book. "I'll give this to the witches. It's a book of love spells. This'll make Giles' piss his pants." Spike snickered and tossed away a handful of wigs. "Now this. This is pretty. You can have this, pet." He tossed a two shot, pearl-handled derringer pistol at Xander. "Can't have my diamonds, but this'll do you, Cordelia." Spike tossed a strand of pearls at her. Cordy caught them with a squeal of joy. Spike tossed a piece of garden hose away, and then another, larger piece of garden hose away. Some baby clothes followed. And some IV tubing. He came up with a pair of alligator pants and was about to toss those when he looked over his shoulder at Danielle. "Think you can fit these?"

Danielle stepped forward and took the pants. "Jesus. These are real alligator skin!" She mumbled, looking at the tag. "A size too small. Hell yes, I can fit these! You're like, fucking Santa Clause, Shiny Headed One."

"Here, this is for you." Spike handed Wesley a heavy leather bound book.

"This is. . .this is the complete works of the Feliand Oracles." He whispered reverently taking the large book. "This is, Spike, this is-"

"What? Can I get money for that?" Spike demanded.

"Ye-um. No, not really. You'd never be able to find a buyer. And, I dare say, you'd mostly likely be unable to read it. It's best that you give it me." He ran his hand over the binding. He looked at Spike, and smiled. "Thank you, Spike."

Spike raised a brow and turned back to his pile. "Me, me, me." He placed items in a pile next to him. "This for me, too. More for me. Garbage. Me. Angel." Spike tossed a copy of the Karma Sutra at his Sire. "Garbage. Garbage. Xander." He tossed a Colt six-shot pistol encased in a leather holster at Xander. He pulled out a large leather case. "What the fuck?" He opened it. Silverware. A complete set. "Oh, right. Joyce. What's this, then?" Spike pulled a garment out and handed it to Cordelia. "A never been worn original I was assured." He told her as he kept rummaging through his pile.

Cordelia unzipped the bag and took a look inside at the perfect little black dress. "Oh, my god!"

"Naw, just me, pet. Spike." Spike muttered, not looking up.

"This is a Karan original. Spike! You-evil-soulless-Angel-trying to-kill-Xander-boffing-sweety! I love you now. I do. I have to go out now. I have to wear this dress and my pearls. I must."

Danielle looked at the dress Cordelia was holding in front of her. "Very nice. I told you Bleathvores have some really nice things."

"Wanna John Tesh CD?" Spike asked, from his pile.

"Along with a lot of trash." She continued, taking the CD and tossing it over her shoulder.

"Hey! Angel might have wanted that."

"If so you should go ahead and kill him."

Spike sat up on his knees. "Yeah. Kill him." He looked around. "Anyone see an Angel-killing thing around? I was promised one."

Xander looked up from tying his gun holster to his leg. He tried a quick-draw, grinning. He did a passable gun twirl and replaced the Colt in the holster. He thumbed back an imaginary hat. "I'll have a look around, folks." Xander walked into one of the side tunnels.

"I'm sure we don't need an Angel killing machine." Angel said.

Cordelia looked up from her dress. "That's only 'cause you're Angel. Maybe it's a really cool thing. Like my pearls."

FUMP!

"Cool." Came Xander's voice. "I think I found it."

The others walked to the side tunnel.

Xander stood next to a guillotine. "Nice, huh? Can we keep it?"

"This is my 'kill him with one blow' weapon?" Spike asked, hands on his hips. "Does anyone have any idea how hard it is to get someone to place their heads into one 'o them things without an army backing them up?"

Xander raised the blade again and let it drop.

FUMP.

"So, what? We can't keep it?"

"If you can carry it, pet, you can keep it."

"Can we go now? The sun will be up soon." Angel asked, rolling his eyes.

"Sure." Spike said. "Yeah, lets go. Oh! Wait! I wanna take some o' those wigs back, you know, for the Slayer."

16 And the bullet in my ass?

"You know, we might be able to sell that guillotine on E-Bay." Cordelia told the silent, cigar puffing, group.

"Yeah!" Xander grinned, still twirling his six-shooter. He was working on his quick draw. "Or that antique show on the Sesame Street Channel. What's that called?"

"You two are more than welcome to go back and drag it home." Angel told them, continuing to walk along in his too big bright red sneakers. "But, I am not waiting."

Xander and Cordelia stopped, eyes bright and grinning at each other with shared greed.

Spike grabbed Xander by his arm and pulled him forward. "No."

"No?" Cordelia huffed. "Excuse me, but no? I don't see any rings on his fingers, Spike! Xander! Don't be a wimp! He can't tell you what to do!"

"Share my diamonds with you, Xanpet." Spike offered, evilly, smirking at Cordelia.

"Okay, then." He smiled at Cordelia. "I'm good."

"Whore!" Cordelia snipped at Xander.

"And I'm okay with that." Xander laughed.

She looked at Danielle, pleading.

"Sorry, hun. I do fine robbing my victims. You would not believe the amount of cash some people carry. It's obscene. Really. So, um, I don't really need any money from, uh, ebay. And, more importantly, I don't know these tunnels. I'd help you if I could, really I would." She puffed at her cigar, smiling at Cordy. "But I'd hate to be stuck down here with just you." She took Cordelia's hand and pulled her along. "Getting to know you is one thing. Being stuck down here with you and hungry? That's something else. I don't do hungry. I'd suck you dry in a heartbeat, babe."

"Fine." Cordelia moved away from Danielle, pouting. "Everyone just ignore my wants and needs."

Everyone did.

Danielle checked her watch. "I hate to impose, but are you guys going to be able to put me up for the day?"

Wesley spoke, turning to smile at Danielle. "Oh, yes, of course. You did help us, after all. The very least we could do is put you up for the day. We have plenty of rooms. You are most welcome to stay until the sun goes down."

Spike snickered. "What would the counsel say about you, Wes ole chum? And you don't have plenty of room."

"We do." He coughed. "Have rooms, that is. But just that, I'm afraid. Rooms, only. And not much else, I'm sorry to say."

Danielle laughed. "Got rooms without direct sunlight? Got blankets?"

"Yes. Plenty. Comforters, too." He smiled at her.

"Then I'm pleased to accept and thankful for your offer."

"I've already got dibs on and plans for your bed, not-a-watcher."

Wesley sighed. "Pay no mind to that one. I really don't know why Angel didn't stake him while they were down here."

Danielle laughed. "What? The shiny headed one? But he can't be all bad, Wesley. The Bleathvores loved him! It takes a special type of, um, thing, for Bleathvores to love you. They are very particular about people, places and things, you know."

"We were busy fucking and trying to keep our heads attached to our shoulders. Oh. And gambling. We were busy gambling, huh, Spike? That's why I didn't stake him, Wes." Angel muttered from the front.

The tunnel got very quiet.

"No, Sire." Spike said. "I was busy gambling. You were *sleeping*, ya bloody toff!"

"What's that you said, Angel?" Cordelia asked. "Did you say fuck? 'Cause it sounded like fuck. You can not fuck! Hello! No sex! Are you Angelus? I am so loaded down with vamp killing weapons, if you are!" Cordy aimed her supersoaker at Angel's back.

Angel didn't stop walking. "I said 'fuck'. Doesn't mean anything. I'm not Angelus, Cordy."

"So, just what does it mean, Angel?" Xander asked. He didn't move away from Spike. In fact, he stepped closer to the blond vampire.

"It doesn't mean-" Spike began.

Xander cut him off. "I was talking to the BatVamp, Spike. I'm just curious. Wondering, if you will. Who did you fuck, Angel? Did you fuck Spike?"

Angel just kept walking. "Almost there."

"Pet, don't worry about what he said." Spike said, holding Xander back and indicating Angel with a tilt of his head. "He is my Sire, after all, and you can't-"

"Spike." Xander began. "I'm okay. I'm not mad at you."

Spike was quiet as they started to walk again.

But he was thinking. 'Not mad at you.' What the fuck did that mean?

"Now, wait a minute, pet. I don't give a fuck if yer mad or not. I can fuck who ever I want! Any time I want! I can give it up to me Sire if I chose to, and you be bloody damned!"

"But did you want to fuck Angel?" Xander asked. Reason, personified. Xander even smiled at Spike.

And just what kind of mind-fucking thing is this? Spike wondered. The boy could fight dirty, it seemed.

"Doesn't matter if I-"

"Well, then." Xander cut him off. "You won't be too mad if I do this."

Xander pulled his six-shooter out and shot Angel in the ass.

"Ow! What the-!" Angel stopped and grabbed his ass. "What hel hell was that?"

"Nope. I won't be mad at all." Spike grinned. "In fact. I'm okay with it." He snickered, mimicking Xander's earlier statement. "You can do it again, if you want, pet."

"Xander shot you in your ass, Angel." Cordeila told him. "He's been shooting a lot lately. I still think he needs some type of therapy."

"Nope. The shooting is the therapy, Cordy."

"Oh. Well. That's good, then. You've managed to get in a lot of therapy this evening, Xan."

"You'll want to get that bullet out pretty quick, Dark One." Danielle offered. "No telling how old it is. Plus, it could go septic. Bad news for vampires. Nasty. Be a shame to loose your, um, cheek."

"Dammit Xander! You shot me?" Angel turned and grabbed Xander's shoulder.

Spike growled and Angel growled back, pushing the smaller vampire away.

"Dammit Angel! You fucked Spike?" Xander stood toe to toe, face to face with the dark haired vampire. And he was pissed.

"Yes I did! I fucked him! I can do that! He's my childe! He's a vampire. You need to know that!"

Xander crossed his arms across his chest. "Hum. Let me get this straight. Call me slow. You fucked my vampire so I would know my vampire was a vampire. Is that your story, Deadboy?"

"He's my vampire!" Angel roared. "And he's a vampire!"

"I am my own effin vam-" Spike began.

Xander and Angel turned to yell at him. "Shut up, Spike!"

"This is like a heavy domestic-type squabble kind of thing, isn't it?" Danielle whispered into Wesley's ear. "Should we be here?" She looked at the angry threesome and shuddered.

"Well. We might be needed to stop further blood shed. And it is a bit fascinating don't you think? I've never seen Angel like this. Maybe he is-"

"No! I don't! Not fascinating at all! It reminds me of my parents fighting when I was still human. I have issues with this type of violence, I'll admit. Stalking, killing, torturing, rendering limb from limb, I'm okay with that stuff, but domestic violence? No. I can't hang. Must kill all parties involved. What say we stake the vamps and off Killer? Better for them all."

"No! Of course we can't!" Wesley patted Danielle's shoulder. "They'll be fine."

"Okay. Then can we go?"

"I'm with the vamp." Cordelia told Wesley. "You can get us out of here, can't you? You know the way home, huh, Wes?"

"Well, yes. We are almost home." He looked around. "I can get us home from here."

Danielle and Cordelia both grabbed one of Wesley's arms and moved forward. "Let's let them fight it out, Wes. I'm sleepy. And I wanna raid Angel's closet for another coat. One to go with my dress." Cordy told him with a smile.

Wesley laughed. "You know, I'm sure you could persuade Angel to buy you a leather coat."

"Yes. But stealing one from him would be more fun."

Danielle smiled as they walked away. "And, you can take your bedroom! You know, the one the Shiny Headed one wanted. Maybe I can persuade you to share." She gave Wesley a wink. "Promise not to steal covers or bite."

"Yuck! Stop! Way too much sex going on!" Cordy laughed as they continued on their way.

". . .your business!" Xander finished.

"I'd say it was. You don't seem to know what you're doing! Spike is a merciless killer! A demon."

"And what? You just can't help but fuck merciless, killing, demons, Angel?"

Angel threw his hands in the air. "No! I can't! Not if they are mine, that is!"

"Well, newsflash Deadboy: He's mine now!"

Spike turned and watched as Wesley, Cordelia, and the bar-vamp walked away. Arm in arm. Happy. They really looked like they were having a good time. He wanted to go with them. But he couldn't. He had to stay and. . . and what? Xander knew that he and Angel had shagged. Xander was upset with Angel for fucking him, not with Spike for getting fucked. It was doubtful that Xander would start talking about Angel's so-called lust for him. And did he really want to stick around for a XANDER slash ANGEL showdown?

Okay. Well, sure. Maybe that would be fun. But he had all of this stuff to get back. And to go through, again.

Nope. He didn't want to stay. "Hey! Not a Watcher! Cordelia! Bar-vamp!"

"What?" Cordy snipped back.

"Wait up!" Spike ran after the threesome, towing his large bag of goodies. He threw his arm across Cordelia's shoulders. "Let's just let those two fight over me. The rest of us can get some sleep."

"Shouldn't you be there to congratulate the winner, Shiny Headed One?"

Spike snickered. "Naw. I need time to come up with stories for all the possible outcomes any way. I'm the winner, no matter what."

"How does that work out, Spike?" Wesley asked. "In your twisted mind, that is."

"Well, someone is gonna be mad enough to fuck me." He waggled his eyebrows at the other three. "Maybe they'll get together and fuck me! 'Cause I'm such a bad boy!"

Cordy snorted. "Okay. Yuck. Let us not speak of this again. And especially not if they do both fuck you!"

"So why'd you do it, Angel?" Xander asked, as he dumped the empty shell from his gun and closed the chamber. "Why'd you fuck Spike?"

Angel stepped closer to Xander but stopped when Xander raised his gun and pointed it at him.

"That won't kill me you know."

"Yeah. I know, but call me childish along with slow, it'll hurt you, and I'll get a big ole kick outta that!" He cocked the ancient weapon, grinning at Angel. "So why? You knew we were together." So okay, sure. The together thing had started off as an act, but, Angel didn't know that and it pissed Xander off. First Buffy and now Spike. Did the great dark vampire have to fuck every one he wanted? His finger tightened on the trigger.

He really wanted to blast another whole in Angel.

"Xander." Angel began, nice and calm.

"Why?"

"Xander. Spike is a demon. The chip is one thing, but he's still a vampire . . ."

"Um, yeah. I know that. I've spent time with Spike lately, you haven't." Xander reminded him.

"No, I haven't. Not since he tried to torture me."

Xander laughed. "That is not something I'd fault him with, Deadboy!"

Angel threw up his hands. "Well fine. I tried to help you! Tried to talk some sense into you! I don't want Buffy to blame-"

"Ha! Buffy! This is about Buffy for you isn't it? You don't want Buffy upset with you if Spike kills me while we're here under your protection!"

"Of course I don't want Spike to kill you!"

Xander pointed at him. "See! Ha!"

"Buffy or no Buffy! I wouldn't want Spike to kill you! Dammit Xander! I like you! Can't I just like you?"

"Um. I donno. Can you just like me?"

Angel ran one hand through his hair and the other down his face. "Yes. I can. I can just like you. You're a funny guy, Xander. You have incredibly bad taste in vampire lovers, but you're still a nice guy. I never wanted to be your enemy. That was your call."

"That's cause you got the girl I wanted!"

Angel chuckled. "Well, I don't have her anymore."

"Yeah, well, you fucked my vampire! Let's not forget about that!"

Angel sighed. "Can't we? That was just a reaction to a hostile environment and the situation. Plus, Spike needed calming down. Not many things calm him down. Sex works. Sometimes, at least."

Xander began moving along the tunnel. "So, what? Are you saying my Spike ain't worth fucking without a situation being involved?"

Angel sighed. "No, I'm not saying that! Spike is-"

"Um, Angel? I was joking."

"Yes. I knew that."

"No you didn't."

"Yes I did. I was joking too!"

"No you weren't."

"Yes I was! I can tell a joke when I hear-"

"Angel? Your shoe is untied."

"Huh? Oh. No it's not!"

"See? You can't tell a joke."

"I take it all back. I don't like you, Xander. Never did."

Xander laughed. "I didn't think you did." Xander looked around the empty tunnel. "And just where did everyone go?

"Look's like they've left us."

"Yeah. Looks like. Let's go."

"Xander? Are we okay?"

Xander shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah. We're fine Angel. We've got the bowl and Spike and I will be able to go back home soon. He's figured out a way to turn me, despite the chip."

Angel kept quiet as they walked for all of five seconds. "That was a joke, right? The turning comment?"

Xander kept walking.

"Xander? That was a joke right? You are not cra-"

"Joke."

"Oh. Okay. Just checking."

"Angel?"

"Yeah?"

"Next joke you don't get?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna shoot you."

They reached the tunnel leading to Angel's warehouse. Angel paused to look at Xander. "All weapons must be surrendered at the door. Oh, and the bullet in my ass?"

"Yeah?"

"You're going to get it out."

"Yeah. That's going to happen." Xander snickered. "Hey! That was a joke wasn't it?"

Angel didn't speak as he made his way home.

"Angel? Deadboy? That was a joke, right? Funny haha? Angel? am not digging around in your ass! Angel?"

17 Removing coats and bullets

Xander followed Angel up and into the warehouse. All was quiet. Xander continued to follow Angel as he wound his way through a multitude of twists and turns. The twists looked the same as the turns and the turns looked the same as the twists. The hallways all looked alike. He hoped to hell, he wasn't going to have to find his way out of this maze by himself anytime soon.

Finally they reached a hallway where Xander was able to hear the voices of the others.

"Um. . .no. Try the maroon on, again, pet. I loved that one on you."

That was Spike. Xander grinned and Angel speeded up a bit.

They soon came to what, Xander assumed, was Angel's bedroom. Angel made no move to go inside, so Xander stood next to him, looking inside. A closet was wide open and an assortment of leather coats was thrown across the large bed. Spike, Wesley, and Danielle sat on the floor, their backs against the wall, while Cordelia stood before them in one of Angel's coats and the perfect little black dress Spike had won from the Bleathvores.

Too much black, Xander thought.

"But I like this one!"

"Pet! No! It's not for you. Not with that dress! Washes you out. Try the maroon on again, please? For Spike."

Xander watched as Cordelia pouted at Spike before turning pleading eyes on Danielle.

"It does wash you out with that dress, sweety. Try the maroon."

"Wes?"

"Well. I like the maroon better, also. Pass the pop corn, Spike."

Cordelia stamped her foot and looked in the mirror. "Are you guys sure? I really like the black."

Spike stuffed popcorn into his mouth, before passing the bowl to Wesley.

"Just listen to yer elders and put on the bloody maroon!"

Xander couldn't stop the grin as he watched Cordelia mutter to herself as she stripped off one of Angel's too big black leather coats and reach for a too big maroon leather coat. Angel's coat. He looked over at Angel. The vampire was not grinning. Xander's grin stretched.

"Just what the hell is going on?" Angel thundered.

Or so it seemed to Xander. Angel didn't so much raise his voice, as he raised it. He put a lot of sound into the question without actually yelling. Xander was impressed.

His grin grew even wider and he bit back his laughter.

Everyone in the room jumped; Wesley spilled popcorn, Spike grinned, his wonderfully obnoxious grin, Danielle looked guilty and Cordelia straightened her coat-Angel's coat-and looked at the new arrivals with her mouth open. "Um. . .I'm cold?"

"Oh, um, Angel! Glad to see-" Wesley began.

"Peaches!" Spike stood and grabbed the popcorn bowl from Wesley before walking to stand before Xander and Angel. He held the bowl to Angel. "Popcorn, peaches? No?" He shrugged his shoulders. "Suit yerself." He turned his grin to Xander. "My sweet Xander." He kissed Xander's grin. "You two okay? We were worried about you, weren't we, guys?"

"Oh! Yes!"

"Of course! Is everything okay?"

"Um. . .How's your ass, Dark One?"

Xander let out his laughter. Angel scowled. Cordelia began hanging up coats. Wesley stood and looked at Angel. Xander noted that Wesley's left eye was twitching. Just a bit. "Angel. We were just. . .well, we were waiting for you and-"

"And I got cold!" Cordelia put in.

Xander felt Angel take in a deep unneeded breath next to him. "And you forgot where the thermostat was?"

Cordelia cocked her head as if in thought. "Yes? I mean, no. But why run up the bill when I could just get a coat? Right? Thrifty of me, don't you think?"

"And the rest of you?" Angel asked. "You guys are here in my room, rummaging through my closet, getting popcorn everywhere to . . . what?"

Wesley took a stab at it: "To help her get a coat, of course. Why else?"

"Oh, hell!" Spike moved from his place in front of Xander to stand before Angel. "The chit was nicking a coat from you-"

"I was not!"

". . .and we were helping her pick out the best one. What of it?"

Xander moved away from Spike and into the room. He was sure Angel was going to do something and he didn't want to get in the way. And he wanted to watch.

Angel's hand reached out and grabbed Spike by the throat. Angel leaned his face close to Spike's. "I have a bullet in my ass."

Spike grinned. "That you do. Want me to kiss it and make it better?"

Angel's hand tightened around Spike's throat. "No. I do not. I want you to get the bullet out."

Spike laughed. "I didn't shoot you in the ass, Peaches!"

"Didn't you, boy?"

"And what's that supposed to mean? I was with you when Xander discovered his affinity for shootin' holes into people. And vampires." Xander watched as Spike turned his head, as far as Angel's hold on it would allow, and grinned at him. He grinned back. "Let go of my neck, Sire, and we can talk about it."

Angel squeezed real hard once more and let go with a little push.

"Oh! Um." Danielle stood. "I am so sorry for intruding in on your. . . this is a family thing. And Wesley says it's not worth killing you guys over. . .but. . . well. " The bar vamp was clearly flustered. "I should go." She looked at Wesley and Cordelia, who had put on the maroon coat during the drama, and now stood next to Wesley. "We should go, really."

"Yes." Cordelia grabbed Wesley and Danielle. "We should go. So we're going now. We'll let you, three, get on with the bullet removal project. We'll be in the other room. Not watching or listening to anything that might happen." She led the other three out the door and closed it behind them.

Xander sat on the floor, his back against the bed and looked at the closet. "Jesus. No T.V., but you went out and bought, what? A million dollars worth of leather? You're pretty sick, Deadboy."

"What? No. I had that in a storage--. Never mind!"

Xander opened his mouth to spout something sarcastic but Angel moved forward, undoing his belt. "Now." He pulled the belt free and undid his pants. He kicked off the too big bright red sneakers and stepped out of his pants. He was naked. Waist down at least.

"Spike!"

Spike kept his gaze on Xander.

Xander shivered beneath that look. And he grinned.

"What's that, then, Sire?" Spike asked, walking to Xander. The blonde sat down next to Xander, facing the bed.

Angel lay down on the bed and grabbed a pillow, shoving it under his chin. He grabbed another pillow and shoved it under his pelvis, raising his ass.

"That's a disturbing sight." Xander whispered to Spike, turning away from Angel's naked, bleeding ass. Spike leaned in and kissed Xander. "Oh, it's not so bad, pet. Not often he does that." Xander moved his head forward, capturing Spike's mouth and kissing him deeply.

"What are you two doing? Are you kissing? Stop it! Get this fucking bullet out of me right now! Right now! Or I'm going to suck you both dry! Dry! And then break your fucking necks!"

Xander pulled back from a wet kiss with Spike and smiled at Angel. "Kay. Right." He kissed Spike's lips again.

"Spike!" Angel snapped. "In my bathroom medicine cabinet there's a first aid kit. Get it. Cut this damn bullet out of me!"

Spike leaned in and kissed Xander again. Xander puffed his lips up and took the kiss. He even opened his mouth and took in some Spike tongue, oblivious to Angel and his desire to kill him and Spike, both.

"Xander? Spike? Get this fucking bullet out of me now! Or else!"

Spike chuckled and stood up. He walked to the ensuite bathroom and began pawing through the medicine cabinet. Xander rose and sat on the bed, placing his ass next to Angel's head. "Don't worry, Deadboy, Spike's on his way to get the knife." Xander patted Angel's shoulder as he watched Spike paw through Angel's medicine cabinet. "So. Where's the bowl? I didn't see you stash it."

Angel turned his head up at to look at Xander. "Bowl?"

"Yeah. You know the one. The one we came for?"

Angel blinked. "Yeah. The 'slayer saving bowl', as Spike so eloquently put it. It's nice and safe. I stashed it in the hall. Didn't you see me? You'll be able to take it and yourselves back home, safe and sound to Sunnydale."

"Here we go!" Spike came out holding the largest first aid kit Xander had ever seen. He placed it on the bed and opened it up. "Oh, look, it even has a scalpel. Nice." Spike's hand went to a small brown bottle before abandoning it and going to a pure white one. He winked at Xander and opened it. "We don't want the hydrogen peroxide, we want the alcohol."

"No! We want the hydro-Argh!"

Spike tipped the alcohol over Angel's bullet puckered ass. Angel clenched his ass and fisted the bedspread.

"You rotten son-of-a-"

"Bitch, Sire? Son of a bitch? Is that what you were gonna call me, Sire?

Angel hissed but said nothing.

Spike held out his hand. "Scalpel!"

Xander stood and came to stand next to Spike. He pulled out the disposable scalpel and removed the plastic covering. He slapped it into Spike's hand. "Scalpel!"

Spike took it and regarded the ass before him. "Humm."

"Humm?" Xander asked.

"Humm? What hummm? What are you doing?" Angel demanded.

"Hummm. I don't recall your ass being this wide, Sire. Has it always been this wide?"

"Can vampires gain weight?" Xander asked.

"Shut up!" Angel wiggled said wide ass. "Cut it out! And cut the bullet out! Now! Or I'm going to eat your liver."

Spike chuckled. "Aw. I bet you say that to all the blokes you set yer naked ass before."

"Now!"

"Wait!" Xander interrupted. "Shouldn't we wash our hands?"

"Smart thinking, pet. Hold your hands over his ass." Xander did. Spike poured alcohol over Xander's hands and Angel's ass.

"Okay." Spike cut in deep across the small hole, opening the flesh. It widened and sort of spilled forth, along with a lot of blood. The bullet pushed up and into view. Xander got a little queasy but kept watching as Spike plucked the bullet out.

He handed it to Xander. Xander didn't take it. Spike shoved it under Xander's nose.

"Here, pet. Take it. Nice memento of our trip to the city of angels."

"Can't I just get a coat like, Cordy?" Xander took the bullet. "Um, okay, yuck." He shoved the bullet into his pocket. "But I don't have enough yuck-mementos of our time here, do I? Your wigs don't really count, do they, Spike?"

Spike poured more alcohol on Angel's ass. "Nope. The wigs are for the Slayer, pet. Don't be greedy. Gimmie that suture kit."

Xander handed it to him. Spike sighed and poured more alcohol on Angel's ass. "Open it, pet, and thread the needle."

"Oh! Right! Sure! I can do that." Xander opened up the kit and licked the thread before threading the needle. He looked up at Spike. "Guess I broke the, ah, sanitary seal, huh? My spit okay?"

Spike leaned over and kissed him. He pulled back with a grin. "Your spit is just nummy, pet."

"Stop that!" Angel yelled into his pillow. "Sew me up!"

Spike jammed the needle into Angel's ass, none too gently. "Hold him together for me, pet."

"No." Xander shook his head, looking into the flesh and blood spilling wound on Angel's ass. "I don't think I want to do that."

"Damn it, Xan! The sooner we get him sewed up the sooner we can find a place to go and fuck! Now hold him closed, so's I can sew the pouf up!"

"Well, you put it like that. . ." Xander took in a deep breath and held it. He placed his fingers on either side of the incision and pushed them together. "How's that?"

"Push that pocket of fat in."

"Really? Do I have to? Can't you sew around it?"

"Push it in!"

"When I break your necks? It's not going to be quick and clean. No. I'm going to start with the seventh vertebrae. The one down deep. And then I'm going to work my way up. One vertebrae at a time."

Xander pushed in the protruding flesh and held it closed while Spike began to sew. "Just shut up, Sire. You just hold the cat, okay?"

Angel mumbled into his pillow and Spike sewed. He bit off the thread close to Angel's ass and tied it off. Spike slapped Angel's other ass cheek when he was finished. "All done, Sire. Nice and neat. Oh, wait, one more thing." Spike poured the rest of the alcohol over the neatly stitched wound. "There we, go. Very nice, if I do say so, myself. Some of my best work, really."

Xander let go of Angel's ass. "We're all done?" He asked, looking at Angel's ass. He grinned. "It looks really good Angel. You look like someone knifed you. Not like I *shot* you!"

"Oh, goody. I'm so pleased with that distinction."

Angel rose from the bed and ran his hand through his hair. He winced when it got tangled. "I'm going to take a shower and wash my hair about 10 times. Get out of my room." Angel commanded, heading towards the bathroom.

"Hey!"

"What, Spike?"

"Well, there's the little matter of my surgical fee!"

Angel changed course and headed towards Spike, menace in mind.

Spike threw his hands in the air. "Just joking, Sire. You really should go take care of that hair. It's disgraceful, really. Nasty. I think I just saw something move in there."

Angel's hands flew to his hair and he turned back to the bathroom without another word and slammed the door shut behind him. They heard the shower start almost immediately.

Spike looked at Xander and ginned.

His evil grin.

"What?"

"Kiss me, Xan."

"Um, okay." And Xander did. Quick and hard and fast. His hot lips brushed against Spike's cool ones, before quickly pulling away. He moved back, ready to leave the room. Spike grabbed his hand and pulled him back. Spike was pouting. "Not like that Xander. More like this"

And then Spike took hold of Xander and threw him on the bed, coming over him and grinning. Spike placed his mouth against Xander's and thrust his tongue inside as his hand went to Xander's jeans and began to open them.

"Umph! Sp-Spike!"

Spike pulled back, scowling. "What?"

"We can't do this here! Angel will be out soon and there's blood everywhere!"

Spike grinned. "Yes. Blood. Isn't it romantic? An' Angel's gonna be washin' his hair for hours. You and I are just gonna have a little quickie."

"I really don't thin-"

"Too much thinking, pet. Not enough quickie." Spike rose over Xander's knees and finished undoing his pants. He scowled at the gun belt still strapped around Xander and began muttering to himself as he undid it and tossed it over his shoulder and to the floor.

"Hey! Be careful with that!"

Spike didn't look up or acknowledge Xander as he pulled the mortal's pants to his knees with one hand and undid his pants with the other. "This ain't so hard. Don't know what the pouf was complaining about." He muttered out loud as he freed his hard cock.

"What?! What do-."

Spike stopped Xander's question with his mouth, thrusting his tongue inside, as he placed his erect member over Xander's and moved.

"Um . . .kay, never mind." Xander mumbled into Spike's mouth.

Spike brought his hand to Xander's cock and grasped it, holding tight, while still kissing him with deep sweeping movements of his cool tongue. Xander's hands moved to Spike's head, grasping handfuls of the vampire's hair and holding him still as he let his tongue come into play and taking over the kiss. Xander ran his tongue along Spike's teeth and tickled the roof of his mouth before letting it slide along Spike's tongue.

"Um, yes, pet." Spike pulled back, ignoring Xander's moan of displeasure, and licked and sucked his way down Xander's chin and to his neck. He suckled the skin over Xander's jugular, leaving a bright red bruise before moving down, nipping, sucking and licking is way down Xander's chest and stomach until he reached the head of Xander's cock. He ran his tongue over the head of Xander's dick before taking the entire length into his mouth and sinking down until his nose nestled in Xander's bush.

He swallowed several times, working Xander's cock with his throat before pulling up and sinking back down, letting his tongue sweep across the tightly drawn sac. Spike moved his mouth up and down Xander's cock several times, until Xander grabbed hold of Spike's head and held it still, thrusting himself in deep and holding still as he came with a quiet shout of pleasure. Spike nodded his head, Xander still deep in his throat, as he took in every drop of Xander's release with pleasure. He kept Xander's cock in his throat until he felt the last jettison of come shoot down his throat. He moved his mouth up slowly, his lips wrapped tight around the shaft, until he reached the head. He let it go with a kiss. Xander moaned.

Spike grinned and moved up Xander's body, his jeans and boots slowing, but in no way stopping, his progress. He presented Xander with his cock. The young man grinned before wrapping his hand around the shaft and bringing the head to his mouth, licking the wetness up with a swipe of his tongue. Spike moaned and Xander wrapped his hands around the vampire's ass and pulled him close, toppling the vampire over him and sending the cock deep in his mouth. Xander swallowed frantically around the hard shaft, gagging, and tried to breathe through his nose. Spike rose a bit, his hands on the headboard, and let Xander catch his breath. Xander kept one hand on Spike's ass and let the other cup the vampire's balls as he began to suck and lick his way up and down the tasty treat before him.

Spike began to work his hips, slow and easy. Xander kept up, loving the feel of Spike sliding in and out of his mouth, past his lips and over his tongue. Spike brought one hand from the headboard and slid it into Xander's silky curls, stroking as the boy worked his mouth over his cock. "Oh, yes, pet. Nice. Very nice. Um. . .I 'm gonna come. . .S'okay if I come in you?" It was Xander's turn to nod his head with a mouth full of cock. He tightened his hand over Spike's balls, rubbing, as he sank down on the cock in his mouth. He brought his hand up, holding tight against the saliva-wet shaft, and began to jack Spike off and into his mouth. He pulled back once he felt the first taste of Spike and wrapped his mouth around the head of him, wanting to taste every drop of his vampire lover.

Spike fought the urge to thrust into Xander's mouth and instead, fisted his hand in Xander's hair and came. Holding still, he just came, shooting himself into Xander's open and eager mouth. "Oh, pet." He pulled out slowly, his cock still held in Xander's hand, and moved back down. Spike lay his cheek against Xander's chest, listening to the rapid beat of his lover's heart. He nuzzled against the chest, licking at it and grinning as he worked his pants further down his legs. Xander's hands went to his hair and began to pet him, running his fingers through the bleached strands. Spike moved his head up and into the caress, like some great big cat, rubbing against the strokes. "Pet." Spike chuckled. "That wasn't as quick as I meant it to be."

"No? But I'm okay with it." Xander murmured more sleep than awake.

"Yeah, me too, pet."

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? GET OUT! OUT!"

Spike's and Xander's eyes flew open and both were wide-awake and scrambling off the bed and stumbling to pull up their pants.

"This is Spike's fault!" Xander tattled, falling. He righted himself and began pulling up his pants.

"Oh, nice, pet. Glad to know you'll look out for me!"

"Hey! Me he can kill! You he'll probably just fuck again!"

"Oh! Can't let that go, can you? Well, let it go, sweets! It don't and it didn't mean anything! If you're gonna be with a vam-"

"Shut up!" Angel thundered. And thunder this time, he did. Yelled at the very top of his useless but very effective for yelling lungs. Xander winced and covered his ears.

"SHUT UP AND GET THE HELL OUT OF MY ROOM!!"

Both vampire and mortal made quick work of righting clothes and headed towards the door, backing up and smiling at a very angry Angel. Xander stopped to scoop up his gun and gunbelt. Spike grabbed his arm and hastened his exit. "Yer hair looks great, peaches."

"GET OUT!"

Spike pulled Xander out and slammed the door shut behind them. He looked at Xander. "'This is all Spike's fault'?" He mimicked in a whinny tone.

Xander grinned. "Yeah. I don't think I was that whinny, but yeah. All your fault."

"Oh, yer tongue was cut out? You couldn't say no? You're blameless?"

"Yep. Blameless." Xander batted his baby browns at Spike. "I was enthralled by some sex hungry demon." Xander moved in to kiss Spike.

Spike pushed Xander away and began walking down the hall. He took hold of Xander's hand and pulled him along. "Stuff it, Xan. I was gonna let you have one of the slayer's wigs, but no more. No wig for you!"

Xander grinned at the back of Spike's head. "No wig? Really? Not even if I go back and tell Angel it was all my fault that we did a dirty thing in his bed?"

Spike shook his head. "Nope. Too late."

Xander moved forward and wrapped his arms around Spike's shoulders and placed his legs next to the vampires, moving with him step for step. Spike ignored him. Xander licked his ear. Spike ignored him and kept moving, turning and twisting his way along. "Ah, can't I have a wig? Pretty please?"

Spike stopped at the entrance to the. . . what? Living room? Xander didn't know, but Wesley, Danielle and Cordy lounged about.

Cordy took a close look at them. "No coats? All that time and no coats? You two are pretty sorry."

"Yeah, but Xander has a bullet and a wig to go home with." Spike muttered.

Wesley, Cordelia and Danielle would forever be left wondering why such a statement would cause Xander to pull Spike to him and kiss him so feverishly in front of them. They just hoped such statements were few and far between.